My anchor.

"Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life"

-Sophocles

2010 in my life may just be the year of absolution. I still may not have mastered it, but I think I'm beginning to realize and love who I am as a person. It's taken me years to live with my actions and decisions. Solely because I based them on what others wanted. Sophia and my Mom snapped me out of that dismal state and brought me back to my reality that is far better than any stupid picture my ex husband anyone could have ever painted for my future.

 ***

After a family visit out of state in 2005, my mother became enthralled with the brand spanking new home communities popping up everywhere. When she purchased her new home 600 miles away she was more than a little shocked when I explained to her I couldn't leave the Bay Area. My roots were here. I loved everything about the East Bay- the diversity, the food, academia, the arts-my home. So I was left to rent our home in CA while she finally got her dream home. To sum it up, I think I went through three stages: Depression, Loneliness, & Bleh (emphasis on the last one). I was out of my nest, figuratively speaking. After my parents divorced 10 years prior, I was pretty much attached at the hip with my Mom. Even if I was going through a teenage angst-y tantrum- she was my home. 

Over the first year of my newly found independence, I pretty much did the minimum of any task at hand. ANY TASK. I spoke to my Mom almost on a daily basis. But I somehow made it work, getting by, waiting for I'm not quite sure what. Out of high school I had been accepted to Sonoma State but couldn't really find the motivation to go. I hardly had any ambition. I knew I had to make a living and be-just be. Sad I know, but I suppose I couldn't recognize my limbo. The boyfriend who everyone hated was in my picture for seven years and he didn't help any of my decisions. At this point, I have to admit even seeing all of this scripted is difficult for me to read because I cannot get the image of me at 6 years old kicking myself present day in the arse for allowing my life to get to that point. I say "that" instead of "this" simply because on my way to adjusting and finally getting away from that era I was blessed with Sophia. Please don't think I'm implying I had a child to break away from my loneliness. I'm not a devout catholic but I sincerely believe that everything happens for a reason. Suddenly I brought this little person into the world who I was responsible for & completely flipped my world upside down -and I loved her for that and so much more. I slowly but surely started to find hints and clues of me all the while getting to know Sophia.

Before my Nena came into the picture, I often pondered why my Mom would bother with working so hard to get us the little extras growing up but then I realized it was because we were-ARE- her anchors.I thought back to when she had finally put her foot down and decided to end the abusive relationship she shared with my Dad. Her epiphany, according to her came when she contemplated all the years she stood by her husband's side so as not to separate her family only to find out that she believed she had done more harm by choosing to do so. My siblings grew up with a man who not only was, I believe, bi-polar, but enforced what he believed was the appropriate family setting of machismo; complete with Sunday fights and driving home from my Godfather's house completely wasted while my Mom and myself cried & prayed to get home okay. Even though it may have been one of the most difficult decisions for my Mom to make, she left, suddenly losing the title of dutiful and devoted wife and becoming our matriarch.  ... And for that, I owe her an eternity of gratitude because I didn't realize it then, but she had to start out from scratch by herself with out any support. She bought her first house, se independizo, and taught me to always believe in myself; to not let anything or anyone blur the love and respect I should carry. Perhaps my life may not have panned out had I taken heed of this advice when she told me, but I think the important thing is that I stopped and listened to it when I truly needed to hear it. Ten years after I watched her leave him in the past, I found myself entering the same circumstance. After my last straw with the man I devoted seven years of my life to, I remembered the strength it took my Mom to walk away. I had let him manipulate me so much so, every plan, ambition or dream I had ever had for myself had gone out the window.  Thanks to her, I'm finding my way back to controlling my life.

 I suppose I was so wrapped up in all of the changes that I never stopped to think about how my Mother had adjusted to living alone. Shortly after Sophia turned 4 months, my Mom moved back. At first it was a challenge to adjust to living with her after finally having been able to stand on my own two feet. Now, looking back, I can't imagine having lived the past year without my Mom. Her guidance is my anchor. My Mom & my Nena keep me grounded and remind me that my goals for us are not far off in the horizon but well within arm's reach. 

My Mom & my Nena.

This picture was taken on my Mom's birthday. I had the staff at the restaurant sing Happy Birthday to her. Sophia thought the sundae was the holy grail...I'm pretty sure she heard angels singing.